if and only if....

if a yamcha session would wipe away all thoughts
i would held a thousands of it
if a cup of Starbucks could bring a smile
i would buy as many as you need
if time could really heal
i would hold on to the time that you were alright
if a letter would allow me to know what's bothering you
i would write everyday
and make sure that my postbox is always empty
or my inbox...now that we are all so highly dependable on tech
if a fake smile would make your worries fade away
then fakeness shall it be
if and only if
all of these and many more
could make things clear
i would do everything to make it better

draining all of me...

stuck in the middle
not liking any of this
left, right?
yes, no?
go ahead, take a step back?

on a crossroad
hanging at the moment
can't seem to find the way ahead
negative thoughts
negative feelings
want to scrape it off so badly

where is the optimistic self?
fear
jealousy
confusion
lost
you're all slowly taking the whole of me

deception

there are no truth, only lies
even the one you think closest to you
lies to you
what's more of a stranger

certain people are irreplaceable
but more often than not
most people are always replaceable
intentionally or unintentionally
consciously or subconsciously
so why try so hard?

deceptions everywhere
manipulation anytime
truth?
never think it exist
truth are only assume to be the truth
the real truth are only known once found out
so why push so hard?

why blame others
why blame the whole world
when someone lied
why not yourself
when you, yourself lied too

whose to be blame
when trust is gone
whose to be blame
when things shatter
whose to be blame
when gaps fill in
whose to be blame
when relationships drift

that is one truth that i learnt
so here i am
being me
switching on the one self defense mechanism of mine once again
who i foolishly off it
when i thought times are better
indeed
one truth that i learnt

whispers...

someone whisper to me
are you happy?
and i answered proudly
i am!
how can i not be?
i get what i want
i have all the neccessities i need
so why not?

and it whispers back
are you sure?
and i raise my voice
and said
yes i am!

and then it disappears
silence
and when silence crawls
i start thinking
am i reallllly that happy?
i question myself

i am
i told myself
i am
i convince myself
i am
i persuade myself
really now?

and then all i could hear was the clock ticking
i shut my eyes and hoping to fall asleep
but it wouldn't allow me to
it would go on and on
asking me the question over and over again
forcing an answer out of me
and i already did
so why are you not satisfied?

it would never let go
never did it once
let me go
over and over again
question after questions

if you are
why are your eyes watery?
if you are
why are you so miserable right now?
if you are
why can i sense fear inside of you?
if you are
why do you startle when you speak?

who are you deceiving?
why are you lying to yourself?
speak your mind
speak what you want

and when i try to
i can't
i just couldn't reach my voice
i just couldn't force it out
the next thing i know
i feel nothing but warm drops trickling down my cheeks....

let go...

been real hectic lately
as predicted
nothing can fill up most of my time other than assignments
so there ain't a thing to complain about is there?
i truly believe that as someone grow
you learn alot
and whether you truly learn something or not
well, it kinda depends on you


today i learnt to let go
i learnt that being too stubborn on something can be such a pain in the arse sometimes
letting go of something that you know its pointless holding on
is such a BIG relief
one that you could just go "fuhh!!~ "
and i am glad i did that today


life is treating me well lately
nope
not boasting
but thankful
humility is what my dad taught me
and i am taking that until i am six feet under

but sometimes i am such a brat
guess that's why sis decided to called me that ;)
i am such a strong headed person
that i do not learn to let go of things
things that you will ask me "why hold on?"
thing is
i see and perceive things in a weird manner that sometimes i feel no one understand what's going on in my mind
and being the other rascal that i am
i refuse and choose not to explain to others
this i would go "what's the point?"
ahh welll, what can i do right?
i am who i am

but today
today became a day where i finally step out (a lil') from the usual me
i chose to let go
let it go
and all i feel that moment
huge huge relief

no longer do i need to scratch my head for answers
busting my ass off every day and night to search for an answer
no longer do i need to keep ponder about something
and probably irritate the shit out of some of my peeps
so you...yes you
if you are stubborn as me
sometimes letting go ain't that bad of a choice
try it
slight akwardness at the beginning
but later on
you would just go...FINALLY!!
:)

jaded with superficiality

was walking around campus
when the monograms of LV just pass me by
was heading to class
when the monograms of Gucci just pass me by
was sitting in class
when whispers of Chanel, Prada and LV reached my ears
was about to approach some peeps
and then i walked away
and i DO NOT do this
but that moment
i was glad i did what i did

and then i stood in the middle of nowhere
because all i hear
were conversations of
what's the latest collection of chanel?
was this the special edition from DKNY?
this is liiikkeee so last season, heellloo??
and it goes on and on and on
it's as if like i am standing in an ocean full of people
that were only vaguely visible to my sight
i was so lost
speechless...

now don't get me wrong here
i have no problems with all these brands and all
because personally i do like them too
i totally get the whole attraction to all these merchandise that these brands carry
but aren't we all tooo conscious about it?

since when did all conversations have to revolve only or at least most of the time around brands?
since when did greetings became "oh my Godd!!! this is like the latest one? where did you get it?......" and we have a conversation?
since when did friendships became an object of "heyyy, you carry a designer bag! yeayy! u arree soo coool..let's be friends!"
since when did personality, social status and judgements be determine through labels that you are carrying around?
since when did a person's worth get valued by the names that you carry along?

what happen to the normal conversations that make you understand each other better in a different perspective?
what happen to other conversation that actually make you think and challenge you?
what happen to the mundane (though its mundane) conversations of "hows your day?"

and all we yapp and yapp and yapp about is the latest collection of Chanel
and all we ever think about is "how hard is it to get the special edition bag from Guess?"
aarrgghhH!~
I AM SO JADED!
so so so jaded!!

and i don't think i want to continue on the other superficiality that we are all in right now....