What Hurts The Most

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
that don't bother me
i can take a few tears now and then just let em'out

i'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
goin' on with you gone still upsets me
there are days every now and again i pretend i'm okay
but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most
was being so close
and havin' so much to say
and watchin' you walk away

and never knowin'
what could've been
and not seein' that lovin' you
is what i was tryin' to do

it's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere i go
but i'm doin' it
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
still harder gettin'up, gettin' dress , livin' with this regret
but i know if i could do it over
i would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart
that i left unspoken

what hurts the most
was bein' so close
and havin' so much to say
and watchin' you walk away

and never knowin'
what could've been
and not seein' that lovin' you
is what i was tryin to do

by Rascal Flatts
~best words to describe~

Go The Distance

it's 2 am in the morning

and i don't seem to be able to shut my eyes

even in the midst of darkness

a mind full of so many thoughts

another sleepless nights i guess

time flies

owh yes

it definitely does

just a year ago

during this time of the year

i was anticipating the festive season with full excitement

while waiting patiently for another 4 months to pass

alas. the long awaited 4 months did past in a blink of an eye

and i found myself

in a whole new environment

and meeting a whole bunch of new peeps

i would lie to you

if i would say that they are just another bunch of friends i hung out with

because they are not

you see

they are mixture of different individuals

did they change the way i see things?

yes they did.

did they bring a difference to my social circle?

definitely.

times we all shared together were as priceless as other memories of mine

rare moments we had

all the laughters, misunderstandings and madness

you must be wondering

what was it that kept me awake at this hour

thoughts as i say

thoughts and realisation that came to me

of some of them leaving

i do know that this is a norm amongst us

as studies are normally the one main reason of all these departures that's going on

but one can't stop but to feel fear

fear of loneliness

i dare admit

fear of losing in touch

i have the guts to say

i experienced the very first person's departure

lysa's departure

before she left

all i felt was "ahh, it's just 4 years. she's gonna be back before i even know it"

but that didn't last long

i didn't feel all that comfortable nor comforting any longer

when i reach home that night

after sending her off

and now

all of these negative emotions of mine

starts to build inside of me

as more and more of them are one step to the airport as time passes

next will be zaim, then suet, then deidre

and soon it will be az or perhaps more that i have not known yet

i may be looking forward to another whole new chapter that's coming pretty soon

but definitely not something to hoo ha about anymore

since i'll be missing all these kaki's

~ sucky feeling ~

don't judge

i am a person with little words. unable to fully expressed what i feel or think at that very moment is something pretty common (if you know me well).
you may see me yak yak and yak all the time (very randomly), i assure you... i am in fact a shy person (sis used to get annoyed with my shyness ).
if i don't ask "how have you been?" or anything similar, doesn't mean i don't care.
if i don't post up on facebook or blogged about how much i missed who and who, doesn't mean i don't ; deep down, i miss everyone. loneliness is one of my biggest fear.
if i don't appear at certain places doesn't mean that i don't want to be there, just that i can't. given, i would party like there is no tommorow.
when i sit in silence doesn't mean that i am upset or mad at times, it's just me spacing out or i am in the usual blur position that i always am.
when i smile and said nothing doesn't mean that i agree, something else might be running in my mind; depending on what the conversation is about.
when tears don't trickle down my cheeks during touch or sad moments, doesn't mean that i am not upset or share the same feeling as you do. i am not cold or mean, it's just that tears only flood my eyes during drama sessions, be it hong kong, yasmin ahmad's directed movies or hindustan. if i don't utter the word "love" at the end of conversations, it's probably because the silly and shy part of me that resist the urge to say so.

each person i met and know
leave a mark once they step a foot in
i may not utter words that you want to hear
i may not be there at times
i may not have the same mutual feeling with you
but that do not indicate that i do not care
i am not a perfect person
i am trying my level best to be the person that's playing my role to the fullest
i have my princess tantrum days...uh huh, that i guarantee
i have my moody moments
i have my crazy, random times
just like you do

so let's not have any judgement towards anyone
no one is perfect
its both the strength and weakness of a person that make him/her almost perfect.

a friend once told me
he even wrote it down :D
"can't change the way i am. don't like me, just forget about me"
that, i agree.

stranger

headphones on
music played
a moment of spacing out
that's what she needs

anger?
nahh...
hatred?
definitely not
numbness?
yeah...no other words can describe her feelings
whenever they speak about the other

the past she left a long time ago
after all
she don't really believe in being mad at a person for long
she knows
that some will call her a fool
for being who she is after all that happened
but rather than always being upset and angry at others
she choose to forgive and forget
as karma will play its role

wounds are healed
but there are definitely scars
owh yes..she does miss those times
those times where she only gets to share with her girlfriend
with that person
but would she want to turn back time
nahh...
that even her could not answer
as she contradicts with herself all the time

no idea what would she do
walk away, pretending not to know each other
or stand there, saying 'hi' and do the usual 'how have u been?'
no no
she does not know

the word 'bestfriend'
she would love to believe it all over again
tried but failed
when she does believe again
or at least she think she did
everything shattered

if it is so
why hold on?

laksa...ice-cream...and random peeps

Yesterday i met...

her...
him...

her!~

and usual..many random acts

random topics

random words

random expressions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Act #1

taken by deidre...

taken by suet teng...

taken by kevin...

taken...the pic of my ring by suet teng...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Act #2

suet and her teh ais

deidre and her must have nasi briyani ;)

and the constant random candid pics of me that deidre took
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not So Random but still Random Act #3

from the very sudden and akward pose

to the one where kevin tried to smile and it didn't go as well as expected

to the final one where suet goes "i don't know why they are slanting to the same side"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

everything will come to an end

so does random day

the very short 3 hours meet up ended with none other than group pics

as always, girls would have more pictures taken

c'me on, we're girls ;)

catching up is always good despite whoever that i am catching up with

can't wait for more

chaoz!~

P/S: pictures are courtesy of suet teng, thank u very much for the pics suet! :)

nice pics ;)

P/S : i am a night creature lately ; it's hard for you to get me during the day, definitely easier during the night... ;P

Blast Into Past

told you there's more from inside the closet

all these pictures that will make some go aww!~

some go omg!

some go adoii, why la?

and more expressions i bet when people view these

but hey, that's the best part of it

all these are priceless memories

its something that do not rot

do not get wasted

and worth every energy, time and effort to remember them

have fun viewing y'all:)

Looking forward to more house visits these year:)

though we'll be missing some *sob sob* but house visits shall not be cancel

P/S; ive sent msgs thru fb, pls take note

LOL:) this is one of the unexpected pic

standard 3 according to cheryl

from left: syarina, me, cheryl and jo

piano class

the one where i left without saying a word

Tadika Peterpan

one where they serve real good milo and biscuit during break time

yes, food is all i remember ;P

took during some performance in primary school

with cousin viv

as you can see

this is class of 2000

4 Mawar, SK Convent (2) Klang

this should be Tunas Puteri

i guess

PBSM!~

class of 2001, 5 Mawar

ahh one of the best class
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from kindergarten to primary and now

high school

took during our graduation 3 years ago

left: jo, sandra, pn,suhana, angeline, me, caroline

cerdwin was preparing for performance that time (jap club)

the pondok that we dominated

until the juniors decided that they shall take over our fav spot

nothing beats the fashion show that man yee and ann "cheong keng" that day for traditional costume contest

and the 4 batang

left : me, chels, shan, sor hong

lembaga ketua kelas

name ny lembaga, sounds macho

truth? heheh..you don't wanna know

still hate the whole buku kawalan system

both pictures are taken during form 4 a nd form 5

no idea which is which but its definitely form 4 and form 5

red house

we still rule..despite whatever pn.lee says (girls, u should know what i mean)

ngek ngek ngek ;P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ahh those days

where drama only happens in a smaller circle of issues

where sports day is look forward to despite the sweaty shirts and uber hot weather

where exams are all last minute studies

where our heart beats when kelas bertanggungjawab is announced because we refuse to be the one to be picking trash for a whole week

where every monday is the day where everyone complains and grunts due to assembly

where every teacher is remembered and recognised through their trademarks *wink*

eg : you'll know who is coming down the corridor when you hear her heels clacking

you'll know who to greet when you hear mike and boots

you'll know when to turn your head and laugh out loud when it you hear " ya" after every word

you'll behave when this one particular teacher steps into the class cause' you don't wanna mess with her

you'll choose your best place in the kitchen during kemahiran hidup class because you wouldn't want extra recipe in your dish

and the list goes on

those were the days

where laksa that costs RM1.50 taste good though the dish is simple

where canteen days put the fighter spirit in you

ahh good ol' days, good ol' days :)

A Walk Down Memory Lane

through all those dust and dirt

through cobwebs and constant sneezes

i found these

amazing what you get when you go through bundles of stuff that were hidden in the closet

more to come i believe

as i am only halfway through spring cleaning

till' then

a time out to have a look at the first stack

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

childhood pictures ;

mum never believe that the baby in the picture is me
confused kids
sis and kuo ing bro switched their own siblings

top : the konon baca buku one

bottom : taken during chinese year

sis and bro used to call me 'ham bao ching' (cry baby)

proven they were right

pictures taken during the usual cousins' gathering

norm in the family tradition
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pictures from holidays ;

on cruise!

in hatyai, thailand

*****

all those below taken in cameron highlands

with cousin viv

the used to be 3 muskeeters (hopefully right speliing)

with mum and sis

another hotspot for our family trips

malacca

those are the actors for the cowboy show

the one beside me was real wet

he fell off from the cliff into the well or some sort

and then he stood beside me

lol :D

group pic of cousins and grandma

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ahh those were the days

good times good times

like i said

there is more coming soon

till' then

i shall stay as anxious and excited as i am now

or maybe even more

for all the upcoming events

chinese new year, makan sessions, trips, classes beginning soon

excited...sweaty palms..butterflies...

fuhh!~ till' then , chaoz!~

*sorry for the upside down pictures*