this time around

now that i am back here, i wonder if there is any reader at all for this blog of mine?
oh well, i abandoned it a while ago and now i have return. for long, i hope.

anyways, living the mundane life of a student, i do nothing but study, study, assignments, and datelines. nothing special.

nonetheless, as life play its role in the cycle. several bad news struck. still difficult for me to digest, but i know no one suffer more than anyone else but those involved. (i hope that makes sense)
what other way to comfort the other than to be just there. not to speak, not to blabber anything but just be there. as a friend, as a stranger. i wish that i am able to say more, to comfort more but things are beyond my control as the one involved is the one and only one to control all that's within.
all i can do. i wish and hope for the best and that time be quick enough to heal the wound within. let there be scar but at least a beautiful scar that carries thousands of beautiful memories to remember by. but not as an incident of regrets and sorrow.

and from there, my life continues from classes to the present holidays. all that had happened before, i let go. let everything be wipe out and start anew. it may be different every now and then but one thing for sure, the past is bygone.

i fear no more of rumours. i think no more of others' judgment. i feel no more of unnecessary emotions that swirl inside of me.

i wanna live life the way i want it to be. may not be to the fullest yet. but definitely the way i want it to be.
i wanna go for swimming classes, drum classes, join the gym, hangs out with my friends. the dearest of mine. so be it.

this is my life and this is how it's gonna be. :)

halfheartedly

I decided. I will not fight no more. Strive no more. Things would not be as it was. Determine, when the time comes, I'll move on.

those that they never told

when you see things that brings a stab
do you close an eye
when you hear things that upsets u
do you turn on a deaf ear

machines we all are. an auto button that is set every now and then for adaptation purpose. so mechanical that Science might be able to explain the scene behind all these once in a while but at times, even Mr.Genius could not get an answer. one little step back from the present, a wider view.
magnificent creatures we all are. one minute, so close. the other, so close yet so far. the very next minute and the rest of the many days, so far away. emotions change every now and then.
witty ones we all are. able to set a distant line between the right and the wrong. funny how we still choose to create and acknowledge that very fine line between the good and the bad. and our stand shift.

they say there is no black and white in life. only grey.

clueless

the usual self would always have ideas of what to come up with for assignments every now and then. this time around, inspiration is badly needed. been calling it for quite some time but it never did show up.
just like many other things. how sad it is ehh?
for the very first time, empty; that very brain of mine. that little box that once fill with a whole bunch of ideas is now nothing. a hollow beneath.
emptiness. that's what it is these days. thought i knew most of it but come to think of it, i am as clueless as a new born baby. so i thought the other party knew most of it too, but sometimes it's just real sad when you know that's not the truth. and from there, i move on- not even feeling anything.
yes, i am a cold, heartless bitch. i feel no anger. i feel no hatred. i feel no sadness. i feel no pain. and so a cold, heartless one i will continue to be. because that's what i am assume to be. so sue me.

a lifetime dilemma

how can one really love and hate the other at the same time.
doubting myself over and over again.
never knew the right answer to any of my own doings.
how can one be so annoyed by the other.
how can one tries so hard to avoid the other over and over again.
how can grudges be in one's mind.
when all that was proclaimed was what they call love.
how can one be irritated by the very sound of the other.
could not even stand the sight of the other.
its' just a phase they say.
but what if it's not.
regrets is not the preferred path but what if that's the only choice left.
no one wants to put an ending to a story but what is there to do when its a dead end.
not all fairytale ends with a happy ending, does it?

First attempt : Confession of a pathetic inexpressive brat

so unpredictable things are these days. lead life like there's no tomorrow they say.
true indeed.

classes started. acts of skipping classes are sure to be found. not exactly the best student around but there is a limit that i know of so scrape that off.
a little different this time around. first few weeks of classes ; i usually bring the clueless and absent minded me along. this time, still blur at times but at least i'm not clueless. so that's a good start for the semester, i suppose.
disasters in Japan is the current talk of the town. unpredictable, very unpredictable. so random that it makes people think and agree more on the whole ideology of living life to the fullest.
one minute you're enjoying the usual morning coffee, the very next you maybe lying on the floor; unconscious.
that might be me there. not being morbid, but that's the truth. i live the very moment of life know, blogging. will i survive the next moment - who knows?
anyways, skip that shall we?

death. tragedy. tears. lost. how much can one actually take in anyway?
i may not know how it truly feels but losing something so precious, that's definitely a heartache.
materials can be replaced but the thing that is truly valuable and irreplaceable is that very person. this i dare to say; i know, been there, still feeling the pain, trying to recover. there are still tears every now and then. hanging on i am. i did my mistakes, that i will admit. i'll brush off every single inch of ego that i have inside of me and say it out loud. i did mistakes, i admit em' and its taking a toll on me. nonetheless, as much as those tears makes me feel alright for a moment in time, i will no longer ponder about it. self comfort it is, but it's the price to pay.

devastated. disappointment. disagreement. anger. they are all numb now. expectations. hopes. they are no longer around. these days, things are so vague. that very stab through that i feel every now and then, i had never felt so real before until that day. would not push no more. would not ask no more. i don't even have the guts to demand, what more ask. would not hope no more because i'll always end up in a sigh. how can one actually love and hate another at the same time?
at this point, i don't even know what i want anymore nor do i know what i need anymore.

funny huh? the once super optimistic person is actually pouring all of these here. this might be the very last post (if anyone reads anyway). my very first attempt to be so personal here but heyy, since it's my blog and this might be the very last emo one, so why not?

to start anew i will. so the very next time, there might be a new link, maybe not. yess, i'm fickle minded when it comes to this so bear with me :)

gonna move on. focus focus focus. studies, assignments, things that i wanna do and learn, i shall do it, if time and money allow me to ;) *gotta be a little realistic under certain circumstances* i'll live life to the fullest. i'll lead life like there's no tomorrow; because life is just too short. so yup, that's it. till' then, chaoz :D

En' route of life

William Shakespeare was and still is indeed a genius.
A little morbid at times but enough to make a heart melt.
And he once quoted "any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex- it takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction"~
Unfortunately not all of us would grasp the whole idea and actually practice it.
Easier said than done indeed.
Excuses, we all make them.
A route to escape from reality.

Materials are all we are.
Kings and Queens of superficial we are.
So caught up in the world of blings that we lost the very warmth of human touch.
Time waits for no man.
A gap that will never be fill up.
A distance that could never be pull closer.
So caught up in the real world of me and only me.
We all lost the tenderness of mankind.

What difference does it make?
Ten years is a little too long.
A year itself is sufficient enough to tell the nature of a man.
They say we all stand together as one.
Perhaps it's true.
Sadly, in my case, it's not.

While Michael Jackson's song 'You Are Not Alone" plays at the very ear of mine.
Turned my head around and I see
Alas, I'm a loner.
It's still a one man's world.

a little different this time...

everyone was dressed at their best. the long awaited time to mark the beginning of a new year. the anxiety. butterflies in the stomach, busy busy day ahead on the eve itself. when the day arrives, nothing was looked forward to except for the presence of family members from near and far. and when the clock strikes 8 and you know that it's dinnertime, you were all smiles and nothing but excitement.

but how could excitement last when it wasn't a whole. the circle that was once a complete one has now become one that has holes in between. the space that were left there just like that, the gap that were created among one another. how could a new year ever be awesome with the absence of your loved ones. family warmth, togetherness was one of the main purpose of the day. but what is the meaning of something when it goes missing?

those that were once mine, disappear this time around. those that is not seen coming, appear altogether. a little different this time...routines all turn around, surprises appear now and then.
how would next year be?

backbones of mine

a wise man once told me. whatever that one does, it must be of clear conscience to yourself.
one tough woman taught me the very stability a woman shall possess no matter what.
the epitome of feminine spoke these very words; a lady should embrace what they have and who they are.
a little bonkers (in a good way) young man that i know said this- being ambitious pushes one to the limit they thought they would never reach.
they are namely dad, mum, sis and bro.

life is hard. tough roads lay right in front. even tougher ones to come.
there are times when in silence, my mind drifts away. times when shattered pieces of me scattered around. no one or anything is to be blame, because this is part and parcel of life. mistakes- i make them and i learn. when all things fail and i need a little breather, all the above and many more are the mantra that i hold on to. when all things fail and i am damaged at best, they are the one that i run to for comfort and strength. so when N'SYNC sung the song 'God must have spent a little more time on you', no one fits the picture best except for them.
life is short. time flies. no one could predict what comes next so yeah, they are my everything.
thus, i shall stand up and look forward. let the past be bygones.

p/s: you may think that this is a little bulu roma meremang kinda post but being a less expressive person that i am, they are the only ones that i could utter such words to. being all lovey dovey, expressive and romantic and stuff is not my forte' but this i could do and live with :) read on if you want, feel free.

imprudent mind

life. death. birth. circle of life, they call it. everything else just comes in between. picking up pieces that were all shattered. never knew it was that difficult. every single moment of that pretentious act of happiness is sickening. tired of games played, people always make excuses to live life by. when spice girls starts singing about a girl who needs a man, not a boy who thinks he cares. at that moment, they must have gone through helluva doubts and suspicions in their mind. and i could not nod anymore in agreement than i already had.
pessimist, i'm not. realistic perhaps, even i'm not sure of that. they say things just don't go the way you want it to be. true indeed. they will then say, use alternatives. easier said than done. holding on to something that is so real and yet so out of reach at the same time. exhausting indeed.
honesty is the best policy. they were right when they say this. sadly, we always tend to choose to mislead others with lies. man...and i still wonder the very act of that. warmth. the very tender touch of one. all lost in the very 'real' world that we all live in.
just like you. i am ambitious. wanting the very best of everything. but i know where i stand. i know moderation. i know humility. would not even have the audacity to even ask for more.
why the fear? why the self-doubt? why question when it is just right in front of you? why chase after something that is walking away? why regret over something that is not done when opportunity is just a touch away? why the tears after something is gone?
time wait for no man. goes the same with everything. waiting is not an issue. a long wait is an issue. fools we all are. fools indeed.

one man show

hiatus and back
took a while to clear the thoughts of mine
not sure if it's all clear at the moment
that's not important i guess

break wasn't really productive
but having a little breather was definitely a good choice
witnessed the very magnificent behavior of mankind
the very magical human interaction
and it baffles me the mind work of a man

taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till we lost the touch of human warmth
taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till the lost of the common courtesy between man
taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till the silence kills it all
taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till hatred and anger takes over
taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till overshadows takes place
taken for granted sometimes
we really do
till we missed the very important stuff in life
it's beyond my control
it's beyond your control
we are all beyond redemption

caught on a crossroad
stood at the verge between truth and lies
i watch
i listen
and i learn
still...the mind works of a man
baffles me so much ~

on a break

what's real
what's not
what's to share
what not to share
black
white
sincerity
pretentious
either ways
whatever it is
in the shades of grey
moving on
this blog is going on hiatus
till' then
chaoz!~

untitled #2

if chocolates could put a real smile on my face, i would have gobble all of em'
if ice-cream could make me feel better, i would get one every hour
if being harsh could change things, then i would not mind being the bad guy
if pretentious act could make things better, i would continue my act
if time could be reverse, i would stop at that very moment
and that will be, only if time could really heal
thought i moved on
guess its a failed attempt
tried but the fall never stop
never my choice to act so weird
never my choice to being cold
but what choice do I have
then to stop myself
tried to run but i refuse to leave
not a quitter
still holding on
but how much longer
i do not know

familiar no?? irony, irony, irony...

power of words and images

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real

where were you
when everything goes wrong
all my days sitting by the phone that never rang
lost and insecure

*pictures are not of mine*
(sources) Image 1 : www.emma.bloggspot.com
Image 2 : the-psycrothic.deviantart.com
Image 3 : www.lukechueh.com

perfections within imperfections

if you seek for perfection, then look at imperfections beforehand. perfections are made up of imperfections. the word PERFECT exist within the many imperfections that we are. no one is perfect, not you, not me, not that dude sitting beside me in Starbucks, not that girl with full-makeup and the best svelte figure. why not just accept and embrace those imperfections, make the full out of it instead of constantly something that is of non-existence?

untitled

I thought, I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well, you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore

There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light

It crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care, I had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn, torn

'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia
old school but a nice song indeed
don't question...there are no answers.

maybe, perhaps, if

it was all a misconception
it was all predictions
it was all assumptions
nothing real
nothing valid
perhaps distance is the best

it takes two hands to clap...

they say one should always find one that loves you more than you love him or her. i disagree. it should be one should always love themselves before they even attempt to love another. besides, what kind of relationship works when its just one party playing all the cards? it takes two hands to clap. one way communication ain't gonna make anything work. what's more of an imbalance affection for each other? don't see the point of two person together yet only one throw all the effort and time in when the other just play along. don't understand when only one speaks and the other just listen. at the beginning, it might seem like its compromising, tolerance. yes indeed, compromising and tolerance but a continuous one sided party relationship? will only drain the very energy of that person. sooner or later, even if its meant to be it will only become a waste of effort and time.

don't miss a person that is not around. miss them when they are around and let them know.
why regret when everything is gone? why cry when at the first place there is no need for tears?
it's amazing. people always say and post the whole "appreciate those around you" up everywhere yet...people tend to let the one person that is important to them slip by.

practice what you preach. don't let anyone slip by. good things don't come twice in life, what's more the one person that you know is important in your life. opportunities don't come by just like that. happiness, warmth and all is not own just by you standing there. action speaks louder than words.

bonkers boink boink!~

very much baffled by the brain of a layyydeehh. irony? i am a female myself. ahhh the mind work. the perception. the perspective. the thoughts. amazed by everything, and here i stand. an agreement to everything. i stand and i observe. i stand and i listen. but i stand with silence. exhaustion. felt like there is a need of a emergency tube attached in case of a drainage occurring.
weak i shall say. tired i shall feel. anytime, anywhere...adam lambert's "whataya want from me" will be sung. but i am no entertainer so what's the point. simple yet complicated. real yet fake. sincere yet there are still strings attached. lol!~ ohhhhhh the very drama of life. they sang 'yesterday once more', i sing 'jaded once more' and it never ends. ROFLMAO is my savior.

epic slacker

this time around
nothing can beat the slacker
the exhaustion
the never ending rush for time
the sleepless nights
are all on the list
and all of this
is because i activated the slacker inside of me
and its taking control.

when will the slacker leave?
i need ME!~