whispers...

someone whisper to me
are you happy?
and i answered proudly
i am!
how can i not be?
i get what i want
i have all the neccessities i need
so why not?

and it whispers back
are you sure?
and i raise my voice
and said
yes i am!

and then it disappears
silence
and when silence crawls
i start thinking
am i reallllly that happy?
i question myself

i am
i told myself
i am
i convince myself
i am
i persuade myself
really now?

and then all i could hear was the clock ticking
i shut my eyes and hoping to fall asleep
but it wouldn't allow me to
it would go on and on
asking me the question over and over again
forcing an answer out of me
and i already did
so why are you not satisfied?

it would never let go
never did it once
let me go
over and over again
question after questions

if you are
why are your eyes watery?
if you are
why are you so miserable right now?
if you are
why can i sense fear inside of you?
if you are
why do you startle when you speak?

who are you deceiving?
why are you lying to yourself?
speak your mind
speak what you want

and when i try to
i can't
i just couldn't reach my voice
i just couldn't force it out
the next thing i know
i feel nothing but warm drops trickling down my cheeks....

let go...

been real hectic lately
as predicted
nothing can fill up most of my time other than assignments
so there ain't a thing to complain about is there?
i truly believe that as someone grow
you learn alot
and whether you truly learn something or not
well, it kinda depends on you


today i learnt to let go
i learnt that being too stubborn on something can be such a pain in the arse sometimes
letting go of something that you know its pointless holding on
is such a BIG relief
one that you could just go "fuhh!!~ "
and i am glad i did that today


life is treating me well lately
nope
not boasting
but thankful
humility is what my dad taught me
and i am taking that until i am six feet under

but sometimes i am such a brat
guess that's why sis decided to called me that ;)
i am such a strong headed person
that i do not learn to let go of things
things that you will ask me "why hold on?"
thing is
i see and perceive things in a weird manner that sometimes i feel no one understand what's going on in my mind
and being the other rascal that i am
i refuse and choose not to explain to others
this i would go "what's the point?"
ahh welll, what can i do right?
i am who i am

but today
today became a day where i finally step out (a lil') from the usual me
i chose to let go
let it go
and all i feel that moment
huge huge relief

no longer do i need to scratch my head for answers
busting my ass off every day and night to search for an answer
no longer do i need to keep ponder about something
and probably irritate the shit out of some of my peeps
so you...yes you
if you are stubborn as me
sometimes letting go ain't that bad of a choice
try it
slight akwardness at the beginning
but later on
you would just go...FINALLY!!
:)

jaded with superficiality

was walking around campus
when the monograms of LV just pass me by
was heading to class
when the monograms of Gucci just pass me by
was sitting in class
when whispers of Chanel, Prada and LV reached my ears
was about to approach some peeps
and then i walked away
and i DO NOT do this
but that moment
i was glad i did what i did

and then i stood in the middle of nowhere
because all i hear
were conversations of
what's the latest collection of chanel?
was this the special edition from DKNY?
this is liiikkeee so last season, heellloo??
and it goes on and on and on
it's as if like i am standing in an ocean full of people
that were only vaguely visible to my sight
i was so lost
speechless...

now don't get me wrong here
i have no problems with all these brands and all
because personally i do like them too
i totally get the whole attraction to all these merchandise that these brands carry
but aren't we all tooo conscious about it?

since when did all conversations have to revolve only or at least most of the time around brands?
since when did greetings became "oh my Godd!!! this is like the latest one? where did you get it?......" and we have a conversation?
since when did friendships became an object of "heyyy, you carry a designer bag! yeayy! u arree soo coool..let's be friends!"
since when did personality, social status and judgements be determine through labels that you are carrying around?
since when did a person's worth get valued by the names that you carry along?

what happen to the normal conversations that make you understand each other better in a different perspective?
what happen to other conversation that actually make you think and challenge you?
what happen to the mundane (though its mundane) conversations of "hows your day?"

and all we yapp and yapp and yapp about is the latest collection of Chanel
and all we ever think about is "how hard is it to get the special edition bag from Guess?"
aarrgghhH!~
I AM SO JADED!
so so so jaded!!

and i don't think i want to continue on the other superficiality that we are all in right now....

enough...

have you ever been in a situation when you are so taken for granted for that you wish you weren't such a nice person?
have you ever been in a situation when wish all your senses just shut down just like that?
have you ever been in a postition where you just wish that the whole world just give you a break?
have you ever felt so frusrated and annoyed that you don't even know that you are actually annoyed or frusrated?
have you ever felt so numb that you don't even know what you felt during that particular moment?
have you ever been in a position where you just wanna scream but you just can't find your voice?
have you ever wish that there is just this moment of silence where you just don't have to utter a word and there is someone who understand you?
have you ever wish that everyone would just stop judging who you are and expecting you to be who they want you to be?
have you ever ever been where i have been?
ARE YOU EVEN ME AT THE FIRST PLACE?
NO!
SO BACK OFF, AND DON'T JUDGE ME
DON'T PRETEND YOU KNOW ME
DON'T ACT AS IF YOU UNDERSTAND ME
DON'T TRY TO BE ME
DON'T PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH
enough is enough...

what do you think?

spammin...

exhaustion has never been so well defined until recently.
anyways, that is another matter that i am too lazy to start on
boredom is where i am right now
so bored that spammin became my temporary entertainment
spammed a couple of peeps' facebook
while i enjoy the amusement that i have through that
lame..i know
can't help it
desperation leads me to nonsense

p/S: i am in search of a drum set...anyone??

sleeping child

i have successfully release the inner child of me recently. and that with only a single movie..and yes, you guess it, LION KING!! one of the many disney cartoons that could make me sing all day long, one that could put me in front of the cube box for hours without feeling bored, basically it just makes me feel "WHOA!!" it makes me smile even days after i watch the movie, happy, happy, happy...i can feel the LUUUUURrVVEE and HAAAPPPIINNEESSS even now.

Hakuna Matata!!!

The Usual Misunderstanding

today is the official first day of mid-sem break
yeah right
holidays are never meant to be holidays
tons of work to be completed
objective of the day?
to complete CRR assignment in the first week
and PR assignment in the second week
fuhh! i am going to need alot of energy
can't wait ehh?

watched Shutter Island today
messes with my head
but it was alright
no idea about the rest of the gang
but they seemed bored
lol!
and and
I've never notice the talent in Leonardo Dicaprio till' I watched Blood Diamond
and now this?
no wonder he stays in Hollywood
leason learnt
never judge anyone by the cover

alright
that's the ultimate brief post
gotta' go against time now
til' then
chaoz! ~

Black & White

this is the party that was mentioned earlier

the black and white party in bukit raja

was an awesome party

lots of effort and time put into it

glad that it was a successful one

again i stress, well done girls ;D

one of the deco that night

black and white snaps of pictures

a big thank you to all those that contributed :)

interior deco
love the black and white balloons! :)

avocado and grape...u know what i mean ;)
parrrtttyyy!

the other deco

where guests were asked to leave their comments that night

atmosphere that night

emcee of the night

Ms.Strawberry Ng

lol:D

the moment when we all cheer for the night

and then we diverged a while to this

ting and fen

can u spot jo posing ?

lol

and then the games

everyone was real sport

awesome! ;)

hehehe....the secret camwhore session

first game

hand squeeze curse!

how can a group picture be miss ehh?

another one :)

was a real fun party

of course there will be awkwardness here and there

but hey trials and errors are needed

so no biggie

awesome awesome fantastic marvellous party :)

looking forward to the next one

thank you to all guests for the support

you know who you guys are ;D

and babes, good job done!

til' then chaoz!

P/S: more pictures in facebook!

Shades of Grey

attended a party last night
was a party that we girls planned for about a month
i would rate it as a successful party
don't really care about what others think
because i know that all of them did a great job on it
so babes, well done! :)
pictures are all on facebook
pretty difficult to upload it here since the connection is low
so feel free to browse there

urgh!
i have no idea why
but everything is so messed up for me this week
met an accident 2 days ago
baby JD is injured badly
a flush of guilt over me till' now
and then the whole monash thing
where i mistaken the date and made my peeps go all the way there
just to find out that the event is next week
another flush of guilt
towards justin, jason, haidy, tai chi and my fruity babes
so so sorry about it
still feel bad

and then
i just get so gloomy and moody easily
felt as if everything that i do is not good enough
all the careless mistakes
what have I become?
everything just go wrong just like that
why?
arrgghh! i wish i could say or do something to make it all better again
i have no idea how am i suppose to face them tomorrow
so frusrated and irritated and annoyed by myself

P/S : it does seems like chea wen is the only one who checks my blog these days. thanks wen!! :)

i wish

i became an epic failure today
dissapointment has never gotten me where i am today
at one point today
i wish i could be as cold as ice
at one point today
i wish all my emotions would be erased
at one point today
i wish that all my fear and shyness gets out of my way
at one point today
i wish i couldn't care less about anything at all
but throughout the whole day
all i wanted to do
was just to hide in the corner
and let my tears flow

the hardest thing

for me to do is to pretend everything is alright. acting as if everything is normal and show no emotions at all. at the same time, i refuse to acknowledge everything. i am trying to be as ignorant as possible but guilt haunts me when i do that. i tried avoiding you and not look you into the eye when we speak but all i feel is this bad feeling in me. this guilt that makes me feel so angry at myself for doing that. where are we heading? what are we doing? what are you thinking? you leave me in nothing but confusion and the constant search for answers. you are so manipulative, so unbelievable, so misleading. words that you utter complicates things. actions that you do disturbs the very soul of mine. you make me go through all the excitement of knowing that i am going to see you in another minute or so, then you splashes cold water all over me through your coldness. then you make me go head over heels again with your warmth, shifting your attention to me. what do you want from me?

stop!!

when u know ure gonna fall
pull urself back before its too late

today...

i had real fun
i feel and still feeling awesome-ness
i laugh a lot
i get to know my friends a little more
i get to know that sometimes i really gotta allow myself some randomness
i learn that overcoming fear is not that easy peasy
i heard stories that's interesting
i learn new things
i am free from all dramas and politics for a couple of hours
i experience freedom
i let myself loose
i push myself to a point that i never did
i embarassed myself in front of my friends and is not ashamed of it, instead we all laugh about it
i became who i am infront of them though they are all still new to me
i feel GREAT!!!
and i am laughing and smiling all the way to sleep right now
chaoz!~ nitez!