the hardest thing

for me to do is to pretend everything is alright. acting as if everything is normal and show no emotions at all. at the same time, i refuse to acknowledge everything. i am trying to be as ignorant as possible but guilt haunts me when i do that. i tried avoiding you and not look you into the eye when we speak but all i feel is this bad feeling in me. this guilt that makes me feel so angry at myself for doing that. where are we heading? what are we doing? what are you thinking? you leave me in nothing but confusion and the constant search for answers. you are so manipulative, so unbelievable, so misleading. words that you utter complicates things. actions that you do disturbs the very soul of mine. you make me go through all the excitement of knowing that i am going to see you in another minute or so, then you splashes cold water all over me through your coldness. then you make me go head over heels again with your warmth, shifting your attention to me. what do you want from me?